WE’RE ALL SEEKING LAUGHTER. Goodness knows how many couch potatoes there are out there, getting their fix from endless hours of comedy series on TV. And then there’s me who, after having discovered the jaw-dropping story I am about to tell you, rummaged through the internet looking for more giggles on the subject of the Italian football player Antonio Cassano. So, first a few funny anecdotes and, at the end, the apotheosis of the hilarity! Boom.
(Note: This may at first appear to be an article only about football, but it really isn’t. Trust me.)
- A rocky road: from Rome to Madrid
Antonio Cassano will turn 34-years-old this July and is slowly approaching the end of a somewhat disappointing career. It all started when AS Roma bought the then 19-year-old for a record breaking transfer fee of 60 billion Lire (about €30 million) from Bari. Having glittered in Rome but fallen out with the coaching staff due to him constantly slapping players and insulting referees, Cassano moved to Real Madrid, a dream destination for any footballer. Clearly seen as a wonder kid with bags of talent, his career seemed set for glory.
Yet, Cassano hardly ever graced a football pitch in Spain, playing only seven times during the 2006-07 season…
- Passion and self-deprecation
You would think that Antonio Cassano’s addiction to sex, for which he gained a notorious reputation over the years, would be a key factor in this. It is true that the Italian was clearly more interested in women than in football, claiming that he ‘would rather meet a beautiful woman than score a goal.’ He also takes pride in allegedly having bedded more than 800 women by the age of 25, and believes that his status of Real Madrid player enabled him to achieve this impressive feat, stating that ‘noone would have looked at [him] otherwise, not even [his] mother!‘
- You know you’re a foodie when…
However, Cassano revealed in an interview with AS Marca that he hardly played at Real Madrid, not only because he was addicted to sex, but to food aswell: ‘I was 10 kilograms overweight!‘ How so Mister Cassano? Well, ‘the perfect night for me consists of sex followed by food‘ and ‘I would spend €500 to have food sent to my hotel room.’
It is quite unbelievable to hear that a Real Madrid player would jeopordize his career in such a way; he is probably the first Los Blancos player ever to be in such poor physical shape. The Merengue fans even surnamed him ‘El Gordito,’ which means ‘the little fatty.’ Also note that in his autobiography Dicco tutto (I’ll tell you everything), published in 2008, the gluttonous striker outrageously revealed that his post-football ambition was ‘to get very, very fat…’
- The apotheosis of the hilarity
Obviously, his career in Spain did not go well and before long, he made his way back to Italy, where he played for title challenging clubs AC Milan and Inter Milan.
In January 2015, his club Parma (yes, he changes teams as often as he changes women) went bankrupt, a development that left him clubless. Juventus (the only Italian giant he had not yet played for) contacted him, offering him a contract. Surprisingly however, Cassano declined their advances and signed for Sampdoria.
Why on Earth would anyone in their right mind decide not to play for Juventus? To this question, which a journalist asked in an interview, the Italian answered:
‘I have refused Juventus four times. It’s a beautiful [very rude name for female genetalia] but it doesn’t get me horny.’
Talk about a punchline! I just hope he never said that to any of those 800 women…
SO, THERE YOU HAVE IT – Antonio Cassano: grotesque, violent and vulgar. What a man!